but i knew exactly where i was...

how could i forget that i am home - with the boys! i really needed to change my attitude toward this forced sequestration that is our #stayathome mandate from the state. i do not want any of my friends, loved-ones, friends-of-loved-ones, family, or anyone else that i might run into to suffer loss from covid-19 - and i am doing my part not be a link in passing it off.

but now on to the 'meat' of this post...i have been struggling with productivity, stress, extrovert-withdrawal...also missing my family, girlfriend(more than she knows) and (believe it or not) the office. i am looking forward to being stuck in traffic on 35W - northbound in a few weeks when this time is over. as billy says below - 'as all things must surely have to end' - this time will too. i have faith, do you?

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muzzle - smashing pumpkins

i fear that i am ordinary just like everyone
to lie here and die among the sorrows
adrift among the days
for everything i ever said and everything i've ever done is gone and dead
as all things must surely have to end
and great loves will one day have to part
i know that i am meant for this world
my life has been extraordinary - blessed and cursed and won
time heals but i'm forever broken
by and by the way
have you ever heard the words i'm singing in these songs?
it's for the girl i've loved all along
can a taste of love be so wrong
as all things must surely have to end
and great loves will one day have to part
i know that i am meant for this world
and in my mind as i was floating
far above the clouds
some children laughed i'd fall for certain
for thinking that i'd last forever

but i knew exactly where i was
and i knew the meaning of it all
and i knew the distance to the sun
and i knew the echo that is love
and i knew the secrets in your spires
and i knew the emptiness of youth
and i knew the solitude of heart
and i knew the murmurs of the soul

and the world is drawn into your hands
and the world is etched upon your heart
and the world so hard to understand

is the world your can't live without
and i knew the silence of the world

when you think you've had too much...

i have been chatting with my friends and family more and more these days - skype, zoom, on the phone. trying to maintain connections and ties to those who mean the most to me while not excluding my team mates from work. we hold virtual happy hours, team calls, meetings, and informal get-togethers...it is almost like being there. except for when it is not. most of the people i talk to feel a general unsettled feeling due to the quick change from office environment to home - and we all feel as if the world is holding it's breath - waiting for the winds to change. the days feel long and drawn out and the nights are silent and solemn.

i have told more than one person this week that it is ok to cry, ok to be angry, and ok to shout out loud in frustration. these are all coping mechanisms and they are normal to feel. now we just have to hold on...

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everybody hurts - r.e.m.

when your day is long
and the night, the night is yours alone
when you're sure you've had enough
of this life, well, hang on
don't let yourself go 'cause everybody cries
and everybody hurts sometimes

sometimes everything is wrong
now it's time to sing along
when your day is night alone (hold on)
(hold on) if you feel like letting go (hold on)
if you think you've had too much
of this life, well, hang on

'cause everybody hurts
take comfort in your friends
everybody hurts
don't throw your hand - oh, no
don't throw your hand
if you feel like you're alone
no, no, no, you're not alone

if you're on your own
in this life
the days and nights are long
when you think you've had too much
of this life to hang on

well, everybody hurts sometimes
everybody cries
and everybody hurts sometimes
and everybody hurts sometimes
so, hold on, hold on
hold on, hold on
hold on, hold on
hold on, hold on

somebody holds the key

as we begin another day of limited human contact, i cannot help but think of my family in nc - and what must being going through their minds. what is troubling them and what are they doing to stave off the boredom and repetition of this 'quarantine' that we are in...

personally i feel ok - with my computer and my kids to distract me, but one can only watch so much youtube and play so much guitar. i had hoped to see my mom and dad over spring break, but i guess this will have to wait until after the country gets it's ish together. until then - stay safe and healthy!

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can't find my way home - blind faith

come down off your throne and leave your body alone 

somebody must change 

you are the reason i've been waiting so long 

somebody holds the key 

well, i'm near the end and i just ain't got the time 

and i'm wasted and i can't find my way home 

come down on your own and leave your body alone 

somebody must change 

you are the reason i've been waiting all these years 

somebody holds the key 

well, i'm near the end and i just ain't got the time 

and i'm wasted and i can't find my way home 

and i ain't done nothing wrong, but i can't find my way home.

give her just about a month or two...

a month or two...that is what my wfh schedule looks like. i will be offsetting some of it with some trips to the office though - it is awfully hard to review samples via pictures, so off i go. actually i am looking forward to it. on a good note - i did get my prime pantry delivery!

day two of this new norm - and i am getting more done than i thought. emails, conference calls - even a virtual video meeting with a suppler in new york... this is working well. but i am really looking forward to some of my upcoming virtual happy hours, watch parties and team socials. these are the things i know i will miss most from my work family - these people whom i have been working with for the last 16 years. they all mean so much to me. remember during these sequestered time what you really miss and strive to make those connections work - even if virtually!

don't let it get you too down and don't let it beat you up too much - and don't hide from what you need.

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let it loose -- the rolling stones

who's that woman on your arm
all dressed up to do you harm
and i'm hip to what she'll do
give her just about a month or two

bit off more than i can chew
and i knew, yeah i knew what it was leading to
some things, well, i can't refuse (i can't refuse)
one of them, one of them the bedroom blues

she delivers right on time
i can't resist a corny line (can't resist)
but take the shine right off your shoes, yeah right off your shoes
carryin', carryin' the bedroom blues

in the bar you're getting drunk, whoa yeah yeah
ain't in love, ain't in lust, whoa no no no
hide the switch and shut the light, won't you shut it
let it all come down tonight

maybe your best mates might think i'm stranger
some face i'll never see no more, no more
let it all come down tonight, won't you let it, yeah
you're gonna feel sick out of sight

let it loose, let it all come down

let it loose, let it all come down

let it loose, let it all come down

and don't criticize what you can't understand...

so...more than a few years have passed between my posts. sorry - but stuff got real for a while - and i took some time to figure myself out and be the best dad that i could. has much changed? not really...still the same guy just looking for meaning, clarity, and optimism in the world. the latter of those is what leads me to start this blog up again.

today caps off a surreal weekend of change for my family and our home - with the closure of schools nationwide, fear and panic buying of toilet paper(?), and my beginning an extended wfh time. i am not sure whether to feel skeptical, sarcastic, scared, or totally excited. why excited? well i am trying to look at the optimistic angle of this new reality...i get to try something i have always wanted to do - spending more time with my boys, building and reinforcing some new habits, carving out more time for my gf, and focusing on my house and home. this is like a swift kick in the butt. yesterday, i felt like there was this ceiling just over my head, like a pall or calm before the storm. like the world was holding it's breath...waiting to exhale.

what about me? i am going to take some notes on how i feel as i navigate through the next few weeks - and write them down here with a song to go along. take care of each other and yourself - and keep in touch!

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the times they are a-changin' -- bob dylan

come gather 'round, people wherever you roam
and admit that the waters around you have grown
and accept it that soon you'll be drenched to the bone
if your time to you is worth savin'
and you better start swimmin' or you'll sink like a stone
for the times they are a-changin'

come writers and critics who prophesize with your pen
and keep your eyes wide the chance won't come again
and don't speak too soon for the wheel's still in spin
and there's no tellin' who that it's namin'
for the loser now will be later to win
for the times they are a-changin'

come senators, congressmen please heed the call
don't stand in the doorway don't block up the hall
for he that gets hurt will be he who has stalled
the battle outside ragin'
will soon shake your windows and rattle your walls
for the times they are a-changin'

come mothers and fathers throughout the land
and don't criticize what you can't understand
your sons and your daughters are beyond your command
your old road is rapidly agin'
please get out of the new one if you can't lend your hand
for the times they are a-changin'

the line it is drawn the curse it is cast
the slow one now will later be fast
as the present now will later be past
the order is rapidly fadin'
and the first one now will later be last
for the times they are a-changin'

and i feel fine anytime she is around me now...

it has been a long time since i posted anything of note, but tonight on the occasion of my 43 birthday, i just had to speak of someone who has healed me, and my heart -- without her even knowing it. tonight i sit here with this song and i wonder if it will carry into my future or be left behind...only i can decide my own fate.  oh god how my soul cries out for you.  for now i leave you with:

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something in the way -- james taylor

something in the way she moves, or looks my way, or calls my name
that seems to leave this troubled world behind.
and if i'm feeling down and blue or troubled by some foolish game,
she always seems to make me change my mind..

and i feel fine anytime she's around me now, she's around me now almost about all the time.

and if i'm well you can tell she's been with me now.

she's been with me now quite a long, long time and i feel fine.

every now and then the things i lean on lose their meaning

and i find myself careening in places where i should not let me go.

she has the power to go where no one else can find me and to silently remind me

of the happiness and the good times that i know, and then i just got to go then.

it isn't what she's got to say but how she thinks and where she's been.

to me, the words are nice, the way they sound.

i like to hear them best that way, it doesn't much matter what they mean.

she says them mostly just to calm me down

and i feel fine anytime she's around me now, she's around me now almost about all the time.

and if i'm well you can tell she's been with me now.

she's been with me now quite a long, long time and i feel fine.

nobody said it would be fair

another year older – moving onward, but what do i have to show for it? sometimes i think that i am just on autopilot, going through the motions – freefalling… the journey through the years has not always been easy but it is totally worth it and has even been fun. i always looked forward to what tomorrow had in store and what more i could learn with each passing day…

somewhere along the way – did i get jaded or did i lose my optimistic disposition?  no.  scarred?  yes. smarter?  absolutely.

i am not down for good. i am also not looking for a fairy tale or easy ‘button’. my life has changed and molded me into who i am now…and for the most part, i like it.

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drivin’ n cryin’ – scarred but smarter

well i'm out of work, i'm out of hope
what should be of thee i spoke
good times for the undeserved
and bad times for the ones who work

i said poor man, rich man, blind man, dead man
hoped for more than they had all planned
just then they suffered a serious blow
as the real world cuts the line you hold

nobody said it would be fair
they warned you before you went out there
there's always a chance to get restarted
to a new world, new life, scarred but smarter

is it right to wish the poor man rich?
is it right to wish the rich man poor?
to hope all that's well is well ends fair
to wish thy neighbors life to despair

being so mad that i start crying
no payoff for all my trying
to do it right, to never fail
i'm wishing for a fairy tale

nobody said it would be fair
they warned me before i went out there
there's always a chance to get restarted
to a new world, new life, scarred but smarter

but then my life it turns all around
jobs and things to do that i've found
i think how foolish i must have looked
to think i could be down for good

nobody said it would be fair
but in the end i think it is.
karma, justice, whatever you call it.
it's really there just keep looking for it

nobody said it would be fair
but in the end i think it is.
karma, justice, whatever you call it.
it's really there just keep looking for it

nobody said it would be fair
they warned you before you went out there
there's always a chance to get restarted
to a new world, new life, scarred but smarter